The Outlet Detector

The old familiar adages just don’t do it for me any more. For instance, consider “the early bird gets the worm.” In this age of freelancing, premature ejaculation and peaking too early in one’s career (by age 24) a more appropriate adage might be “The early bird dies earlier.”

Another one that has been puzzling me lately is “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise.’ Sure it does if the woman is staying up late cleaning the house and taking care of the kids after working a full day at the office. Not only is the adage sexist but it also doesn’t make any sense. Most people who work these hours slave at low paying jobs with little chance at advancement. Shouldn’t it read, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes the corporation I slave for wealthy and wise?”

“The doors of wisdom are never shut.” This also should be revised to read, “The doors of a 24 hour Drug or Convenience Store are never shut.” It is more truthful.

Another migraine-maker is “You reap what you sow.” Now whether this is supposed to apply to gardening or whatever, we know this is not true. Many individuals slave for years on projects that don’t pay off, couples copulate to try and have babies with no result and people sow wheat all the time only to have it destroyed by frost or rainstorms. In these hard times, doesn’t a saying such as “You reap what is available” make much more sense?

Also problematic is the ultimate adage about being sweet — you “attract more flies with honey.” The trouble with this kind of “honey” is it also attracts other creatures such as raccoons, bears and others that would rape you of your charms. Also I am very suspicious of charming people. Often they want to borrow money from you or some other favour. I think it should be changed to “Beware those bearing gifts of honey, as they probably want bread.”

I also have a problem with “He who laughs last, laughs best.” I think that should be changed to “He who laughs last, laughs alone.” Nobody likes a joke at his or her expense.

A bird in the hand is definitely NOT worth two in the bush. A bird in the hand is worth about $2.99 a pound!

I also think “crime doesn’t pay” should be revised to read, “Crime does pay, especially if you are a politician.”

I would like to also suggest some new adages that are more appropriate for the 21st century:

“Lips that taste wine, shall never touch mine” should be changed to “Lips that taste wine shall never die from a heart attack.”

Longing for the pre-Plague era? How about: “Let’s put the promise back in promiscuity.”

How about “A Rolling Stone gathers no taxes, (especially if they relocate to Switzerland).”

“Do unto others as you would have them do onto you unless you are a sadist.”

“A Fool and his furniture are soon parted, especially if there is no downpayment for a year!”

After observing the neighbor across the way, I also came up “Fools who live in glass houses should not strut around naked in front of the window after a shower.”

“There’s no fool like an old fool” should be replaced with “age and treachery outwits beauty and youth every time.”

In these conscientious times, Make Love Not War’ would have to be changed to “Make Love Wearing the Appropriate Contraception not War.

I’ve always thought that saying “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread” makes more sense in reverse. “Angels rush in where even fools fear to tread…” I am thinking about firefighters, policeman, charitable workers, Greenpeace and other angels on earth.

One of the only adages that makes sense to me is the Chinese one “The Bigger The Front, the Bigger the back.” Think about it, it makes sense.

I am also fond of the old Jamaican adage “Cat Don’t Make No Dog.” Well unless you factor in bioengineering in which case it is possible that a cat can make a dog. After all “With God, Anything is Possible and that is What I Am Afraid Of.”

Samantha Steven’s articles have been published in many high-standing newspapers and she has published several books. If you wish to buy Samantha’s books about metaphysics click here
http://www.insomniacpress.com/author.php?id=110
You can meet Samantha Stevens at http://www.psychicrealm.com where she works as a professional psychic. You can also read more of her articles at http://www.newagenotebook.com

Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 19, 2004

I am currently involved in a wonderful year-long relationship with a man I’ve known for ten years. We dated briefly all those years ago, but I wound up marrying someone else. To make a long story short, I should have listened to the fates back then.

Recently I was contacted by another man I dated briefly right after high school. Our relationship ended in a gross misunderstanding. I thought I was getting signals from him to get lost, so I did. I was very hurt, and I have thought about him many times over the years. I found out in a recent meeting that I got the wrong signals and he has always been in love with me.

During this meeting the chemistry was very strong, but I would do nothing to betray my current boyfriend. You should also know I moved several times during that time period, and I believe he was looking for me but could not find me.

My problem is making a decision. I’ve compared the two, and I keep coming up with a true feeling of torn. I’ve done the pros and cons paperwork only to find each has the same amount of qualities I love. If I let one go, I will most likely spend my life wondering. One is wine and roses, the other is picnics and wildflowers…and I like both.

Penelope

Penelope, in ancient Greece people listened to the fates by going to the temple of Apollo at Delphi, and asking the Delphic oracle for advice. The oracle would inhale the vapors from a cavern in the temple, enter a trance, then make a prophecy.

The most famous prophecy was to King Croesus, who asked if he should attack the Persians. The oracle ambiguously said, “If Croesus attacks the Persians, he will destroy a great empire.” Croesus thought this was favorable advice, but when he attacked, the great empire he destroyed was his own.

Last year some scientists published a paper suggesting the vapor in the cavern at Delphi was ethylene, a compound which produces the same effect as “huffing,” sniffing glue or paint thinner. In your case, we suspect the fates have been both speaking in riddles and sniffing glue.

Your feelings for neither man are strong enough that you could marry one without regret. Marry no one until you feel love without doubt.

Wayne & Tamara

Second Time Around

I am a 22-year-old female having a ridiculous problem getting over the fact my fiance was married before. We recently became engaged, and now the issue has become even more magnified for me. It upsets me to the point I’m afraid I might just tell him to forget the whole thing.

Aside from this, he is a really great guy and we get along terrifically. But I cannot get over the fact I am not the first person he’s felt this way about. It cheapens it for me. When I remember he has already spit out vows for someone else, has already had wedding night sex, has already gone on a honeymoon, I don’t feel special.

When we are at his mother’s apartment, which used to be his apartment with his wife, I get filled with anger and start being mean to him. This is totally unfair. Even typing this makes me feel like a jackass, but I seriously can’t help it.

Jackie

Jackie, a song made popular by Kathy Mattea says, “You’ve got to sing like you don’t need the money, Love like you’ll never get hurt. You’ve got to dance like nobody’s watching…” Everything, according to the song, must come straight from the heart without reservation.

You have a reservation about your fiance, and it is something he can never change. You are latching on to his past to stop something you don’t wish to occur. We would not dismiss your reservations. Neither should you.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.