The Outlet Detector

Eminent Dutch archaeologist Dr. Ernst Voorst announced a new discovery to the media in Basel, Switzerland this week. Dr. Voorst, Director of the Reinhard Van Gelder Institute of Anthropology and Archaeology at the University of the Rhine, has led a team in a secret excavation of an ancient woodland culture over the past year-and-a-half. The research is a follow-up to his previous study of two ancient fortresses in the Rhine valley.

In a report that is being widely circulated and discussed on the Internet, Dr. Voorst announces the discovery of a ‘woodland princess’ in a lone grave. Nestled in a quiet region of the Rhine valley’s Black Forest called the Golden Wood, the grave site is believed to be the last remnant of an ancient culture that dwelt in the region as much as 10,000 years ago (before modern humans are known to have reached the area).

Critics of Dr. Voorst’s work suggest he may have overlooked significant information but Voorst’s team are adamantly insisting they have conducting a thorough and trustworthy investigation. The lone grave’s single occupant has been dubbed the “Princess of the Golden Wood” because her remains were so well-preserved. The scientists have not yet decided whether to submit a sample of the nearly perfectly preserved remains for DNA analysis.

In 2007 Dr. Voorst was part of a team led by the eminent Dr. Reinhard Van Gelder that announced the discovery of twin Rhine canyon fortresses that had apparently waged a long and terrible war, the outcome of seemed to favor dwellers of the eastern fortress.

The so-called “White Tower of the Rhine” report has been questioned and denounced around the world. Although Dr. Van Gelder conceded that many questions remain unsettled in late 2007, he stood firmly behind his work. The University of the Rhine acceded to his wishes and established an institute for the exploration of ancient Rhineland cultures using a bequest Dr. Van Gelder made in his will.

Dr. Van Gelder reportedly died of pneumonia in early 2008, having only observed the barest beginning of the investigation into the Golden Wood site. Dr. Voorst and his colleagues are determined to ensure that Dr. Van Gelder’s contribution to Rhine valley archaeology is commemorated in a stone memorial to be erected in the small forest later this year.

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